


Free To Be You And Me

by orphan_account



Series: Samifer Love Week 2016 [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bottom Lucifer, Canon Rewrite, Episode: s05e03 Free to Be You and Me, Fix-It, Jess!Lucifer - Freeform, Non-Graphic Smut, Other, Top Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 09:42:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7635424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5.03 rewrite - Sam openly admits that he knows Jess is Lucifer and things take a very painful and hurting turn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Free To Be You And Me

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Samifer Love Week 2016 - Prompt: Episode Fix It/Rewrite

                                                              

* * *

 

Sam immediately noticed something was different with Jess. When his lips touched the soft skin on her neck – kissed her for the first time in five years even though he knew she couldn’t be real – he felt the difference. Even before that, when ‘she’ came to him for the first time, he had noticed something wasn’t right. Her words were so unlike the jess he knew and even the way she spoke – this calm and blissful voice. Something was beneath it but he couldn’t say what exactly it was. When their hands touched he had felt the cold of her skin for the first time. Jess was never cold, she had always been warm and soft, but now it felt like he reached his hand into cold water and it didn’t feel like her at all.

The first time he had a feeling, but he was too surprised to realize what it meant. Now, however, when his lips were pressed against her, this feeling came back and it was much stronger than before. It felt like something inside him was reacting to the touch, something so intense that it compared to a fire burning in his guts. He moved back when jess turned around and looked at him – eyes so familiar and yet so new that it made this feeling only worse.

“Sam.” She said, again in this calm and unusual voice. “This is your life now?”

He couldn’t answer, what kind of answer would it have been anyways? Instead he just returned her gaze and when her hand caressed his face, in a gentle and once again cold manner, he sighed and leaned into it.

“You can’t live forever with your head buried in the sand.”

Sam took a deep breath at those words. The pulling inside of him – his nerves reacting to the very touch of Jess – confused him so much. And yet the feeling was almost pleasant, as if something fell into place that had always been wrong. He closed his eyes for a moment when Jess’ hand fell off his chin, trying to figure out what exactly it was that made him feel so different.

This was a dream, he thought so at least. Jess was dead and she wouldn’t come back, no matter how many fantasies of her he had. But still, she felt so real – her touch wasn’t imagination, her voice wasn’t made up by his mind. And then, slowly and with a bittersweet taste flowing along with it, realization slowly came to the hunter. No… this wasn’t Jess. This was someone else and suddenly he had some kind of flashback – only a short second of memories flooding his mind – but it was enough for him to know.

He had felt like this before already. Back then he had been driven by the urge to get away and by fear, but the feeling was the exact same. A strange cold that floated around him, the fire inside of him that made him see more clearly – even the weird and inappropriate bliss he felt. It all made sense now and for one reason or the other he wasn’t scared at all. Instead he looked back up, locking eyes with his long dead girlfriend that was just an illusion to cover someone else, and spoke again.

“I love you, Jess,” he said silently, words that were directed at the real Jess wherever she was, and slowly sat up, without turning away. “God knows how much I miss you too. But you’re wrong, people _can_ change. There is reason for hope.”

Sam didn’t know what the other expected, or what he expected himself for that matter, but when ‘Jess’ reached out for his face again and her fingers tenderly brushed a streak of his hair behind his ear he knew the truth. Her eyes were different now, there was some sort of light in them that had been missing before. Jess eyes had always been a mixture of green and brown, but now they were blue instead, a blue Sam had never seen before and that was so intense and deep that he knew he would get lost looking into those eyes for too long.  She smiled, barely a slight curling of her lips, but it too was different.

“No, Sam. There isn’t.” Jess said, to which Sam smiled too.

“How can you be so sure?” He asked, taking the hand that rested on his shoulder into his own now. “I changed, I know it. I never wanted you to die, Jess. I blame myself every day for it, but I can’t take it back anymore. This is my curse, but I won’t let it define me.”

Jess tilted her head a little, looking at Sam’s hand wrapped around her fingers, and frowned.

“A curse or a blessing. How do you know it’s not the latter?”

“Because you are dead and everyone I ever loved died.” Sam moved forward a little, his hand gently cupping her face and brushing his thumb over her cheek. Now he dared to look deeper into those blue eyes and allowed himself to get lost in them to find the truth beneath this masquerade. “It’s like I’m not allowed to love anyone.”

“Maybe,” Jess said and her smile brightened a little. “You were not meant to love me. Maybe you were always meant for someone else. Someone who will give you all you want.”

“Maybe.”

Sam closed his eyes and leaned forward, bringing their lips together in a very cold and very interesting kiss. For a second Jess seemed surprised by his actions, almost backing away, but then the tension faded and her lips became soft against his and allowed the touch. This, more than anything, showed Sam that Jess was never there in the first place. The kiss was nothing like their previous kisses, Jess never moved her lips against his like this, was never so careful and cautious with him. Wrapping an arm around her waist, Sam deepened the kiss and opened his eyes to look into hers – blue oceans that were filled with surprise and confusion. When he pulled back his hand still rested on her back and she just kept looking at him like she had never seen him in her life before.

“You were _never_ the one I was supposed to love, Jess.” Sam said with a heavy voice, sad to admit the truth he only understood now. “I’m a freak with a darkness no one can take away and that destroys the ones I am close to, like you.”

“Then why do you not leave now and go back to the life you try to run away from?”

“Because there is something I realized and that I have to do now.”

Again Sam pulled her into a kiss, but this time he turned her around and laid her down on the pillow behind her. Jess’ hands moves to his biceps and held onto him when he kept kissing her deeply and pressed her body into the mattress with his weight. He smirked when her fingernails scratched over his skin and laid a hand on her hips. All of this was something he would never admit to anyone, because he knew _who_ he was kissing right now and it gave him some sort of bliss he never experienced before. Slowly, almost sad to leave those cold and delicious lips, Sam pulled back and nuzzled his face against Jess cheek.

“I know who you really are…” he whispered into her ear, feeling the woman beneath him stiffen and the nails digging into his skin almost painfully. “You don’t have to pretend to be my dead girlfriend, just show yourself.”

“I – I don’t know what you are talking about, Sam.” Jess muttered under her breath and Sam couldn’t hold a chuckle. He moved his hand up a little, caressing her side through the thin fabric of the nightgown.

“You didn’t expect things to go this way, right?” Sam asked and placed a soft kiss on her neck that coaxed a silent gasp. “I can keep going with you looking like this, but it wouldn’t be the same, right?”

“Keep… going?” Jess whimpered when Sam’s teeth scraped over her sensitive skin and his fingers pinched her side playfully. “I’m not… I don’t…”

“A flustered archangel.” Sam said and underlined his words with one last kiss before pushing himself up with both hands. Towering over the other, Sam looked deep into those beautiful eyes again and realized the slight blush on his girlfriend’s face. “Do you want me to do this to _her_ or _you_?”

“Do what?” Jess voice was cracking now, revealing a much deeper voice beneath it.

“Kiss you, touch you…” Sam smirked and shoved one hand under her back again. “All you ask, _Lucifer_.”

For a moment those blue eyes widened in surprise and Sam wondered if he was wrong, even though he knew he wasn’t. This was the same feeling he had when the door to the cage opened and they freed Lucifer. This was the same cold that overwhelmed him when the light had burst out and filled the church. The only difference was that he wasn’t scared anymore now – he knew Lucifer wouldn’t hurt him or else he would have done it already.

“You came to me; you _want_ something from me.” He continued, smirking. “Maybe I want to know what it is and maybe I want something from you too.”

“Sam… you _don’t_ want this.” The voice coming from the angel was almost sad, something Sam didn’t expect.

“I do… I _want_ this, but –“ he trailed off, not sure how to continue. Could he say he felt even more attracted to ‘Jess’ right now because he knew it wasn’t actually _her_? Could he say that he wanted to feel more of this warmth in him and wanted to know what all of this meant? “I don’t know _why_ …”

Sam looked down at the hands on his hips, feminine hands with a way too strong grip, even though they didn’t hurt. He could almost see Lucifer’s true vessel under the masquerade, as if reality and dream merged together. It was wrong, he knew it, but it was also so _right_. How could this not be a mistake?

“If you _really_ want this, Sam, it would be better if I stay like this.”

Sam nodded and bit his lip in frustration. Damn, he wanted it, there was no way to deny this need. He had thought about this weird feeling from the last dream like this the whole time since and it was obvious that he craved for it again, that he wanted more of it. Knowing it was Lucifer who made him feel like this wasn’t throwing him off at all, which was what made all of this so surreal.

“Sam.” A hand on Sam’s arm made him sigh and sit back, looking at the other who sat up now. “I’m not here because of _that_. Jess was… the easiest way to talk to you.”

“Yeah, because bringing my dead girlfriend back will get you my sympathy.” Sam laughed sarcastically and shook his head. “You could be anyone else, I’d still feel like this. Why?”

“Because you and I, we are connected.” Lucifer said and Sam narrowed his eyes in confusion. “You are my vessel, Sam. My true vessel.”

“No…” Sam couldn’t believe it – this couldn’t be real. He, the devil’s vessel? Was this why he was drawn to him with so much force? Was this all just a bad joke and part of a game?

“Yes, Sam.” Lucifer’s gaze softened, sad blue eyes looking at the hunter. “I know how you feel. The weight on your shoulders, it’s more than anyone could bear. If there was another way… but there isn’t. I wish I could change the way things are, but I can’t.”

“I won’t let you in, no way.” Sam felt like all his previous actions had been controlled, even though Lucifer’s whole presence told him otherwise.

“You will say yes, Sam. I know it. Not now, not tomorrow – but you will.”

“Then why are you here? Why do you make me… _feel_ these things?” Sam was almost begging for an answer, all the tension in him needing a way to get out somehow. The longer he was this close to the devil the worse the urge to touch him and to keep doing what he did before grew.

“You always felt like this, even before you freed me. Sam, all those times you were running away, you weren’t running from them – you were running towards _me_.”

“I don’t _understand_ this…” Sam ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes almost angrily. It made no _sense_ , none of this. Why did he feel attracted to the devil, goddammit?

Lucifer’s hand on his shoulder moved down, stroking over his arm in a gentle manner. Sam turned his head away from him, not wanting to look back into those mesmerizing eyes.

“I _won’t_ say yes to you. You can’t make me.”

“I won’t make you do anything you don’t want, Sam.” Lucifer said sincere, the tone of his voice leaving no doubt that he was telling the truth. “I’m not here to force you.”

“Then why _are_ you here?”

“Because I want to give you a gift.” Sam looked up at those words, bewilderment written all over his face. “I want to give you everything, Sam.”

“I don’t want anything from you.” Sam said harsher than he wanted, swallowing down the lump in his throat.

“I’m not lying to you, Sam. You could show me the same respect at least.” Lucifer said with a smile, withdrawing his hand. “You want something and I will give it to you. You want to know the truth.”

Sam pressed his lips together into a thin line, looking at the angel with so much determination to say that he didn’t want anything and meant it. But despite all his effort, he simply failed. Because Lucifer was right, he wanted to know the truth. And if he could find it out this way – if this unknown _desire_ in him could be fulfilled – then he would do it. No one would ever know, no one would ever believe it either.

“Is this what _you_ want? Is this why you came here, because you knew how it would make me feel?” Sam asked eventually, not quite sure why. Lucifer kept smiling this all-knowing smile.

“I have no human desires like you, Sam.” He murmured, his hand cupping Sam’s face again. It was so weird that he still looked like Jess, even though Sam knew he was something so much more powerful. “But you have them, you want to know if I can give you what you’re missing your whole life already.”

“ _Can_ you?” Sam asked weakly, unwillingly leaning into the cold and gentle touch on his face and closing his eyes.

“I can give you anything you want, you just have to take what I offer you.”

For a second Sam’s mind screamed that this was a trap, that he should run away as fast and as far as he could – because this was the literal devil trying to seduce him. Sam’s heart, or soul, however knew the truth. Lucifer didn’t seduce him, it had been the other way around. And Sam wanted to know how it would feel, if it would mend this part of himself that had always been broken.

So, instead of following his head, Sam followed his heart and leaned over once again – sealing those cold lips with his own – and Sam fell down the rabbit hole. Strong and yet gentle hands wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer, cold lips danced against his and when he gave the slightest sign that he wanted to go further Lucifer parted his lips and granted Sam his wish. His own hands moved up and rested on Lucifer’s shoulders, one running through the hair that he _knew_ was long right now, but that felt short and soft under his touch. Even the kiss, starting out the same as the last, felt different now. Not as if he kissed a girl, but as if he kissed much rougher and manly. His head began spinning from the mixed signals his body received and when he pulled back he looked at Lucifer with utter confusion.

“What are you doing?” he asked and Lucifer chuckled.

“The wrong thing I assume. I can stay like this if it makes things easier for you, it doesn’t matter for me how you see me – none of this is the real me.”

“What _is_ the real you, then?”

Lucifer’s hands were gone from Sam’s waist, only to begin caressing his face seconds after. There was a look of pride on his face when he spoke and Sam could hear that this time he used his real vessel’s voice.

“Humans could never stand to see my true form – your mind isn’t capable of the truth. Compared to me your friend Castiel is small and weak. If I would show my true form I could wipe out half of humanity just when they look into my direction at the same time.”

“How?” Sam breathed, stunned by this explanation. He couldn’t even imagine how he must look.

“I’ve been heaven’s brightest and most beautiful angel, Sam.” Lucifer smiled at him. “But if any human could get a glimpse at my true form and not immediately die from the sight – it would be you.”

“Why me?”

“Because you and I, we share something that allows you to understand, to _see_. I could never hurt you, Sam. I could never lie to you or trick you.”

Sam wasn’t sure why, but he believed Lucifer’s words. When the angel’s lips were against him this time he felt much less confused than before. He closed his eyes and focused just on the touch, on the hands roaming over his body and the skin under his own fingers. The vessel Lucifer had didn’t matter, it was just that after all; a vessel.

It felt different from any other time he got physical with someone, Jess or not. Lucifer’s touches were much more intense, as if they sent energy through Sam every time. It wasn’t at all uncomfortable knowing that the ‘woman’ he touched and kissed wasn’t that at all, instead it brought him a slight sensation to know that the one panting under his hands was an archangel himself and that he was responsible for the way he acted. It was obvious that all of this was new to Lucifer and Sam was careful to not be rough or too demanding, knowing that if the devil valued his consent he sure as hell would do the same to him. Once things got much further though, Sam felt something change in the way Lucifer acted and stopped concerned.

“I can stop if you want me to, really.” He said and moved up to look into Lucifer’s eyes.

“No – don’t stop. I just… I’m not familiar with this. And this _form_.”

“Do you want to… change?” Sam raised a brow. He was curious about Lucifer’s actual vessel, but this was something he wasn’t used to. Not that he minded, but it was weird enough already.

“It’s okay, it would be strange in any form honestly.” Lucifer chuckled at this, looking at Sam a little mischievously. “This is so different for you than for us, Sam. For us it’s just energy and grace – nothing physical.”

“Is it the same this way?” Sam wondered surprised. “I mean, do you feel the same things humans feel?”

“We do, but it’s much more intense. I could touch your soul and show you, but you wouldn’t survive the experience.” He smiled and placed another kiss on Sam’s warm lips. “This is for you, not me.”

Sam nodded, a slight smile on his face when he continued. Lucifer made him very curious about how it felt for _him_ , but Sam had no intentions to die already. And what they did now, the way he felt so complete and content, was enough to show him that it wasn’t a bad thing. Wrong maybe, but not bad.

Despite wanting to go faster, Sam took his time. He watched Lucifer’s reaction to every touch, adapted his actions to make this the best he could for both of them. When he finally did the last step – when they literally _became one_ for the first and probably only time – Sam felt his mind completely drift away. Lucifer was so cold and so _absolute_ – it made him feel like he wasn’t the one in charge at all.

“It’s okay, Sam. You’re good, really.”

Lucifer’s voice was trembling from the new sensation the angel experienced – something so human that it would make every angel question his origins – but his hands on Sam’s shoulders were reassuring, squeezing him slightly and signing him that he could keep going. And Sam did, his movements careful at first and his senses completely overwhelmed. He found his rhythm, with Lucifer’s help it was easy, and soon it felt like an out of body experience. Sam wasn’t sure what made this act feel so utterly perfect, but he wasn’t alone feeling like this and when Lucifer began chanting his name in a silent whisper he lost himself in it like never before.

There was no time, no saying how long it lasted. It was just then, their hands brushing over hot and cold skin, their eyes finding and losing each other, and just being whole – sharing one of the most unique experiences in existence. Lucifer’s arms wrapped around Sam’s neck at one point and his body began trembling beneath the hunter, something so thrilling that Sam pulled him closer even more and pressed their bodies together as much as he could when he couldn’t hold himself back anymore too. He pulled out of Lucifer’s vessel and with his eyes closed he let his orgasm wash over him and thought he would just explode from the power of it.

There was no way to say what gave Sam more out of this – his own high or the fact that he caused Lucifer to feel the same thing for the first time. All he knew was that he had been right in his decision. The emptiness, the darkness inside him, it was gone. He knew it would come back, there was no way for them to stay like this for all eternity, but for now he was filled with warmth and bliss and a light that stretched through his whole body. After minutes of staying like this, waiting for the afterglow to fade, Sam finally opened his eyes again.

Only now he felt that something had changed drastically. The vessel he held in his arms wasn’t Jess anymore, the arms around him were too strong and too big. His heart jumped fast at the thought of seeing Lucifer’s real vessel for the first time now and suddenly, despite what they just did, he felt nervous. Slowly Lucifer pulled them apart and found Sam’s eyes again – his former icy blue ones now darkened from the human sensation he had just witnessed.

“Sam.”

At the sound of the husky and deep voice Sam smiled, all his worries falling away from him. Lucifer was not like he expected him to be at all and at the same time he was exactly how he had pictured him – handsome, charming and strong. The way he looked at Sam would make everyone else melt under it, the strong and steeled body holding Sam’s own easily one to crush enemies in seconds. And yet, Sam didn’t feel threatened – didn’t believe Lucifer would do him any harm.

“Did you find your missing piece?” Lucifer asked knowingly and Sam, exhausted and tired and absolutely content, nodded.

“I don’t know why though.”

Gently, as if Sam could break in half under his strong hands, Lucifer turned the hunter around and laid him down next to himself. One hand on Sam’s waist, the other under his head to support him, Lucifer looked at those dark hazel eyes full of questions.

“You are my other half, Sam. We were made to complete each other – it’s been like this all along.”

“This doesn’t change a thing…” Sam heard his own voice before being able to prevent the words, but Lucifer wasn’t offended by them. “I still won’t say yes.”

“One day you will, Sam. It’s inevitable.”

“How can you be so sure? Because of this?”

Lucifer shook his head, a sad smile on his face.

“You and your brother are part of God’s big plan. So are Michael and I. I don’t want any of this to happen, you have to know that. But I can’t change it, as much as I can’t change that you will say yes.”

Sam rested his head on the pillow, his eyes still glued to Lucifer’s calm face. Millions of thoughts ran through his head, most of which were simply questions as to what the hell he just did, but some – the ones that were important – were heartbreaking. He felt so calm himself right now – so safe and protected – how could he live knowing he would say yes, destroy this world most likely? He couldn’t stop fighting, he couldn’t let Lucifer get the upper hand and end this world.

“Why can’t you just stop and turn away from the plan?” He finally asked the most urgent question.

“Michael will never let me leave. Many will be hurt in this fight, Sam. I will do things I’m not proud of, I will make _you_ do things you’re scared of.” Lucifer sighed and brushed the back of his hand over Sam’s cheek again. “All I want is to keep you happy and safe, but it’s impossible. I have to do this, I _have_ to.”

“This will never happen again, right?” Sam felt a weight on his chest at the question that made it hard to breathe. The thought that this was something he would never feel again hurt. “We are enemies.”

“I’ll never be your enemy, Sam. I can come to you if you want to, you just have to say my name.”

“Why?”

“Because we were made for each other, Sam.” Lucifer said and Sam felt his chest tightening. “I’ve waited for you my whole life. Whatever it takes, I will always come for you as you came for me.”

And with these words Lucifer was gone – the other side of Sam’s bed was as empty as it should be. Sam stared at this spot in front of him for a long time, just thinking and unable to even cry like he wanted to. This wasn’t fair, all of this wasn’t. When the tears finally came Sam buried his face in the pillow and sobbed like a child – all of what just happened and what was about to come crashing onto him at once.

He was the one who freed the devil. He was the one who fell for him, who felt his heart aching when he left. He was the one who’d have to end all of it way too soon too. Because despite his feelings, despite the longing for the devil that had just given him something so wonderful and divine – he had to save the world and the only way to do that was to fight the one he was meant to be with, he one he was meant to _love_.


End file.
